“If we who call ourselves part of the one body of Christ are to be agents of healing and unity, then we must be skilled at engaging in dialogue that heals.“

This week, we feature a blog by Steve Tumolo of Quincy. Steve is the principal of the Center for Receptive Communication and Executive Director of Heart to Heart. Through these two organizations, he helps people to heal, thrive and lead, cultivating vital communication and leadership skills for diverse learners, including church leaders, male survivors of sexual abuse, incarcerated adults, parents, and teachers.

While many forms of communication result in division and polarization, Steve shares four keys to dialogue that can lead to greater reconciliation and healing, a crucial practice if Christ-followers are to learn and embody the reconciling power of the gospel.

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“As IRON sharpens IRON,
so a friend sharpens a friend.”
(Proverbs 27:17)

The times in which we live reveal a growing polarization in the United States. Red vs. Blue, All Lives Matter vs. Black Lives Matter, Conservative vs. Liberal, Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice are just some of the camps upon which Christians find themselves also divided. If we who call ourselves part of the one body of Christ are to be agents of healing and unity, then we must be skilled at engaging in dialogue that heals.

Dialogue, authentic engagement with another in which we are willing to be changed by the encounter, is essential to healing the divisions in our country. I see, through the help of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication and other sources, four keys to dialogue that are foundational. The acronym IRON can introduce these keys, named as Intention, Reflection, Observation, and Need. We can sharpen each other and strengthen one another through practicing these keys to healing dialogue.

Intention

It is important to enter dialogue with a leading intention to connect, appreciate and understand. These intentions suggest that we value relationship more than proving ourselves right and someone else wrong. Prioritizing relationship is God’s Trinitarian template. It is the Trinity’s relationship that creates. The Trinity, I suggest, does not relate for utilitarian motives, but out of love. Through loving, through Trinitarian relating, a universe was born. If God’s priority is relationship, why not make it ours as well? 

This does not mean questions of what is good or what is just are not raised. It simply suggests that we start by listening and learning. This helps us to meet people where they are, not where we may want them to be. As Marshall puts it, “people often need empathy before they are able to hear what is being said,” (p. 171). The intention to connect, listen, and empathize, especially with people who have different experiences and perspectives, those who we may see as “other,” makes true encounter possible.

Reflection

The second key flows directly out of the intention to encounter and connect with another. It is the ability to distinguish reflecting from responding. Reflecting involves communicating back to the speaker the heart of what you hear them saying. This one action has multiple gifts. It can help the speaker experience being valued and heard. It can help the listener get clarity and understanding. This is especially true when what is reflected is not the speaker’s intent. This gives the speaker the chance to say, “well, that’s not exactly what I meant. It’s more like this…” The act of reflection can build a bridge of understanding, so that the heart of what is expressed is heard and experienced.

Responding has its place in dialogue. It is simply different than reflecting. Responding involves communicating what is stirred in me as I listen to you. Most of the conversations I hear sound like this: expression-response-response-response-response-response-reponse. We seem to be hooked on getting across our point. With two people, each trying their best to make their point, neither may experience being heard. Reflecting, however, slows down the conversation, creating opportunities to live into our intention, opportunities to experience connection and understanding.

Observation

The third key in healing dialogue is to distinguish observable facts from our interpretations and evaluations. Many of us have been brought up in the language of judgment. Yet judge not, Jesus commands, for the judgments you make upon others will turn back onto you. (Matthew 7: 1-2) 

Mixing our judgments and evaluations with our observations contributes to the great confusion that divides Christians and our country. Keeping communication simple and focusing on what is pierces through the confusion and builds bridges of shared understanding. Learning to communicate in clear observations is key to dialogue across difference. 

Presenting the raw facts has a power all its own. George Floyd was killed after a police officer kept his knee on his neck for close to 8 minutes. This is an undeniable fact. Two people can disagree on their evaluations but beginning with the same observable fact can be a vital starting point. From there, feelings can be communicated without evaluation as well. When I think of what happened to George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Philando Castile, Alton Sterling, Trayvon Martin and so many more of my Black brothers and sisters, I get choked up. I feel a mix of grief and shock and outrage. Sharing my raw truth, without judgment, can help me be heard and understood by another person who may have a different perspective than me. When people with different life journeys can share their experiences and perspectives, a shared understanding can emerge.

Need

The heart of what is being said goes deeper than feelings. Underneath every feeling is a need. Needs, Marshall Rosenberg suggests, are what motivates all of us to speak or act (pp. 52-55). When a need is met, we have a feeling we often enjoy. When a need is not met, we have a feeling we often do not enjoy. Feelings have this essential purpose of indicating the state of our needs.

When I think about George Floyd’s death, a deep need for justice arises. This need I believe is widely held and that all humans desire justice. Marshall considers core needs as universal and an expression of the divine (p. 130). We might say they are God-given. God created humans to long for and be motivated by the same core needs and desires of the heart. For example, to survive, we all need air, water, food, and safety. To thrive we need love, belonging, acceptance, freedom, respect, justice, and more.

If our dialogues are to connect us and bring about the unity for which we have been created, then we must get to the heart of what is being expressed. This means getting to the need, the heart’s desire. When I speak and name my core needs, when I listen and hear the needs of others, then we can see that we all long for the same things. We who say, “Black lives matter” want every Black woman, man and child to experience mattering, safety, respect, and justice. And perhaps those who say all lives matter have a need to experience mattering themselves. This need of mattering is something we all share.

Taking the time to listen and hear the need underneath what is being said is the fourth foundational key to dialogue that heals. Hearing and connecting around commonly held needs is a unifying practice. Together, these four keys, our intention to connect first, distinguishing reflecting from responding and observing from evaluating, and hearing and speaking to the need, lay the foundation for healing dialogue. If we Christians are to be agents of healing and unity, then, I believe, it is our call to engage in such dialogue with our families, our churches, and our world.

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The Center for Receptive Communication helps people and organizations heal, thrive and lead. They facilitate transformative learning for faith communities and schools and their leaders. The Center for Receptive Communication’s newest project is Sobrevivir, accompanying men who survived childhood sexual trauma in their journey through healing to thriving and leading. .

Heart to Heart helps people affected by violence to hear and follow Life’s calling, transforming people and systems . Heart to Heart is building on its 30 years experience working in prisons to support incarcerated people, returning citizens, children affected by a household member’s incarceration, and their parents, caregivers and teachers. It’s newest project is Heart to Heart Families and Heart to Heart Schools.

For more on Nonviolent Communication, see Rosenberg, Marshall B. 2015. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. 3rd Edition. Encinitas, CA: Puddledancer Press or go to www.cnvc.org 

“[There is] immense pressure, even in the Church, to prove our belonging to the “acceptable” group—a pressure that makes it easy to forget that justice often means longer term, un-sexy, behind-the-scenes labor in policy, paperwork, learning to love neighbors, and quiet, unseen conversations and prayers.”

This week, we feature a blog by Lexi Carver, member of Church of the Cross. Lexi recently moved back to her hometown of east Arlington, where she lives with her husband Connor and their cat, Billboard. Trained as a mechanical engineer, Lexi spends her days writing engineering software user guides, where she obsesses about rigorous use of language and contemplates the magic of nanoscale design. She also enjoys long walks and reading theology from many traditions. Lexi shares a powerful perspective on the need for Christians to examine their underlying motives behind their work towards racial justice and the need for discernment about the consequences of current cultural trends.

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This past month, grappling with injustice against black Americans, I have learned and prayed much and still have much to learn and pray about. The ways in which churches continue to be complicit in racial injustice are heartbreaking; white Christians in particular are called to reflect on and repent of these sins, but also to act towards bringing forth a more fair and reconciled  society; and for Christians, this must first begin in the church. I am heartened to see how many white people (myself included) are beginning to better comprehend the long suffering of our black brothers and sisters. The charge to listen is a great one – it is imperative that each person takes seriously the aches, wounds, discomforts, and the long line of injustices back through history. The reminder that Christ alone is our hope is a much-needed anchor. The invitation to pray and lament is crucial.

But there is even more at stake than what we see on the surface, for the battle is not against flesh and blood. In the midst of increased work for justice and awareness, I have noticed increased social temptations: to send certain signals for the sake of social acceptability, making my motives about me instead of the problem at hand, to succumb to viewing others with suspicion by mimicking scenarios in which people are labeled “friend” or “foe” based on (dis)agreement, and to judge others and myself as “moral” or not based on choices of politics or preferred action.

I have seen that it has become very easy in Boston, even encouraged, to label other people “racist,” “white supremacist,” “ignorant,” “unresponsive,” and a whole host of other condemning (or even idealizing) labels. These labels often stem from perceptions of only a few choices: Did they attend protests or not? Who did they vote for? Do they want to defund the police? Are they using the right lingo? In some conversations these days, disagreement feels tantamount to personal betrayal.

In some cases, these assessments may be accurate. But the temptation to hastily assume others’ hearts or to wave self-righteous flags reflects a cultural pitfall of moralizing judgment, of separating the “acceptable” people from the “unacceptable,” often along political lines. This leads to immense pressure, even in the church, to prove our belonging to the “acceptable” group—a pressure that makes it easy to forget that justice often means longer term, un-sexy, behind-the-scenes labor in policy, paperwork, learning to love neighbors, and quiet, unseen conversations and prayers. We can easily forget that Jesus called us to close our doors, praying to the Father who sees what is done in secret.

Amid the obvious issues of racial injustice many of us are exploring in conversation, there are also much less-discussed tensions of economic oppression, cultural identity, and political motives. My husband lived in Jamaica Plain for 10 years before we got married. In the last few years of his living there, many of his black and Latino neighbors suddenly moved away and their former homes were gutted, quickly rehabbed, and resold, in many cases for upwards of a million dollars.

We noticed with dismay that this sharp increase in gentrification directly correlated with an equally sharp increase in the number of “Black Lives Matter” signs appearing on the lawns of the new, wealthier, mostly white residents. These college-educated transients who had just pushed out lifelong residents showed no interest in getting to know the remaining, less wealthy, neighbors. Given the circumstances, it was hard not to see the lawn signs more as a social signal, support for a specific organization and its political ties, or perhaps an attempt to associate with virtuous sentiments, than an effort for real justice.

This was – and is – hard to talk about in Boston, home to so many universities and egregiously high rent prices, and where economic oppression can go hand-in-hand with political signaling. Although this trend is obviously not limited to predominantly black neighborhoods, what happened to my husband’s street was a cautionary tale to me of how people fighting for certain causes may widely perpetuate other injustices.

I am sure I am not exempt from the temptation to this particular sin! None of us are. We realistically will rarely have perfect motives, and it requires humility to acknowledge this. A question we might ask ourselves before joining any cultural movement is, “Is this for God’s glory or my own sake? What am I gaining?”     

Yet discussions of issues like this can quickly turn bitter as political opinions become, more and more, all-encompassing labels of identity. In addition to the political label that can come with Black Lives Matter lawn signs, another label that comes to mind is the phrase “anti-racist.” Despite the commonality of this phrase, I find myself hesitant to define people overarchingly by what we are against. Jesus certainly stood against evil, but he defined Himself in terms such as the comforter, Savior, mediator, king, shepherd, bridegroom, deliverer—never the “Man Against Wickedness.” As my friend Kelly Madden recently pointed out, I want to be for justice, for cheering for the personal agency and authority of my black friends and neighbors and leaders, for the protection and exaltation of black lives, for the respect of black voices and churches and businesses, for support of black communities, for the liberation of black prisoners wrongly accused and unjustly sentenced, for better and fairer policies, for accountability without condemnation, for humble and ongoing learning and growth. Perhaps our challenge is to pause long enough and breathe deeply enough of the Holy Spirit to envision something to create, not only to tear down.

The Enemy would use this time, if we allow it, to tempt us to pit ourselves against each other, to drive our divisions deeper rather than work to heal them, to malign each other (or others not in the room) endlessly. But this is nothing new; as Jesus tells us, the path of the Kingdom of God is narrow, wending and twisting between landmines in our hearts and our societies.

I do not have the answers for how best to work for and discuss issues of racial justice, or any of the other forms of justice we need right now, while avoiding the evil that will inevitably follow from “standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others” (Matt. 6:5). Of course, God can use even our most measly and self-serving actions to his own purposes and glory. But I believe these are questions that the church must grapple with. Following the way of Christ means allowing God to train us in shrewdness and innocence, prayerfully discerning where and with whom we are called to work, and digging beyond the surface of cacophonous news headlines, social pressures, and our own hearts. 

Pray with me:

 Lord, help us to seek, above all, your heart for our churches and our city. Plug our ears against the siren calls of selfishness, social acceptability, and condemnation of our neighbor; help us to learn the language of your Spirit; teach us narratives and ways that edify your children. Help us to take the time to sit with you, until we are filled with and compelled by your love. Empower us to pray for our enemies and love our opponents. Above all, help us to see your reflection in every human face, and show us your call to us in your mission of racial justice and other forms of justice in the world.

The theme for this year’s summer campaign is entitled “Love Thy Neighbor,” which invites Christians to reach out to their neighbors in new and unexpected ways. Through providing groceries to combat food insecurity, racial justice initiatives, and interdenominational dialogues, we are encouraging people to contemplate who their “neighbor” is and how everyone can best “love their neighbor as themselves” during the difficult times we are facing. It has been a humbling experience to witness the campaign coordinators discern the best course of action for these initiatives, and to see Christians of different denominations and backgrounds connect with their neighbors in such profoundly gracious ways. 

Our team will also be creating and releasing collaborative videos that celebrate testimonies and worship experiences around people loving their neighbors, which will culminate into a virtual worship viewing party on September 12, 2020. Stay tuned for more information about this! 

Our “Love Thy Neighbor” summer team is a diverse group of Christians, working hard each week to discern and launch various initiatives. Meet the coordinators below as they reflect on what the theme of “Love Thy Neighbor” means to them! 

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Name: Mike Hong

Position: Music Director

Home Church: City On A Hill Church

“Loving your neighbor is a holistic pursuit of your neighbor’s good in the same way you pursue yourself. We make plans for ourselves. We go on grocery trips. We make financial sacrifices and investments. We spend time growing in knowledge and maturing spiritually. We even vote and lobby for things that benefit ourselves. Loving your neighbor encompasses care of body and soul, anything less disregards the very way that God designed us as human beings.”

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Name: Kelly Fassett

Position: Executive Director, UniteBoston

Home Church: River of Life Church

“‘Love thy neighbor’ is at the heart of Jesus’ message, and it calls for a radical orientation of one’s life to others rather than on oneself. I believe that loving our neighbor means that we intentionally listen to, care for, and lay our lives down so others can flourish.”

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Name: Chloe Gaydos

Position: Concert Co-Producer

Home Church: Reunion Church 

“Love thy neighbor is a high calling which Jesus instructed us to follow, and as we love our neighbor,  we are able to impact each other at the deepest level that we were made for. God puts many people in our lives who play various roles – and if we lack love for them, then we have fallen short of our calling as Christians. It’s important for us to take what we have and use it to love one another and to recognize our differences with an open heart and mind.”

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Name: Kelly Shea:

Position: Co-Producer

Home Church: Highrock Church

“‘Love Thy Neighbor’ is a selfless way of being, whether we are consciously aware of it or not.  Often, as an act out of the love we have received from Jesus Christ, it is the next best step forward to serve someone else without condition or expectation of a return. To love thy neighbor is to care freely, and potentially wholeheartedly, for their well-being – to be a support for others in their time of need or distress, in any way we can.  And if you know Jesus, loving thy neighbor is to share the good news, through both word and deed as He has displayed.”

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Name: Sharon E. Walcott

Position:  Public Relations

Home Church: Pentecostal Tabernacle, Cambridge

“In Galatians 5:14, it commands us to ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself.’ This commandment is a golden rule for me.  Specifically, I really try to love️ my neighbors who are in need, broken and invisible to most.”

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Name: Peter Seremetis

Position: Communications Coordinator 

Home Church: Marsh Chapel at Boston University, and St. Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church in Wyckoff, NJ

“When I think of Christ’s call for us to “Love Thy Neighbor,” it reminds me to pay attention to all of the nuanced ways that God is at work in our lives. As Christians, we often talk about God acting “upon” us from heaven, or acting “through” us via the Holy Spirit. Yet, I find that God acts most deeply and profoundly “between” us through the relationships that we cultivate with each other. When we “love our neighbors” by checking in with, reaching out to, being present with, standing up for, and–when necessary–forgiving each other across boundaries, we take the first steps in aligning our acts with God’s acts, ultimately becoming part of the great work that God already has in motion.” 

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Name: Joel Putnam

Position: Social Media & Projects Manager

Home Church: New City Church, MA and First United Methodist Church of Pinellas Park, FL

“Living out my Christian faith is not complete without following through on my own baptismal commitment of doing good works as a response to the love and grace God has given me. As my future takes me into vocational ministry, I must not lose sight of what God calls me to do as an individual. Our UniteBoston mission reminds me of how important it is to see others and care for others.”

“Let not the wise boast of their wisdom, or the strong boast of their strength, or the rich boast of their riches, but let the one who boasts boast about this: that they have the understanding to know me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight.”

Jeremiah 9:23-24

In early June of 2020, as the country grappled with multiple murders of unarmed people of color, including George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and systematic oppression of those peoples, former Patriots player Benjamin Watson reached out to local clergy proposing a united prayer gathering for racial justice. Nine days later, over 1,000 people spanning race, denomination, and age gathered to worship the God of justice and call forth the need for reform in our city.

In a city where Christians are known what we are against rather than what we are for, we were also excited to see local news and press cover this story. There was a huge spread in the Boston Herald, and it was also covered in the Boston Globe and MassLive, as well as through Channel 5 News, Channel 4 News, and Channel 7 News.

This event was hosted by a variety of local organizations, including UniteBoston, Boston Collaborative, the Black Ministerial Alliance, SEND Boston, Greater Things for Greater Boston, and other local churches.

Below are some of our favorite photos from the gathering – more are available on our Facebook album here.

Also, click on the button below to check out UniteBoston’s Racial Justice Page and Wall.

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“I was moved to tears at this event, and deeply deeply encouraged and inspired. Having grown up in the Greater Boston area, I would’ve never imagined this possible before — Christians across denominations, race, backgrounds coming out in public and worshipping God together and encouraging other to continue seeking God’s shalom in this city, in a biblically grounded way that also invites non-Christians in to the process. I want to see more of this in the city!!!!”

Seongkyul Park

“I felt this was a very powerful way to share our faith in a public way as well as unite against racism.”

Kaitlyn McCarthy, New Hope Chapel Norwell

“It was great to be around my friends and a bunch of other believers worshiping God and praying for the city especially since we’ve be in quarantine for so long. This event was a good distraction from all the stress and anxiety of the world.”

Mykaliah A Best, Holy Tabernacle Church

“Worshipping together with people all over the city reminds me of glimpses what it will be like to worship together in heaven one day — all praise and glory be to Him!”

Rachel Murphy, Executive Assistant, Charles River Church

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“I have definitely missed gathering together with other Christians for a time of worship and prayer. This blessed my soul as well as ignited me to take action and bring awareness to social justice issues.”

Alicia Wells

“It was wonderful to have a Gospel-led outlet for all of the feelings and thoughts that have come up during this time. I left feeling Spiritually-fed and inspired to continue seeking change, racial justice, and shalom flourishing for our entire community.”

Ashleigh Pelto, Life Community Church

“I felt the Holy Spirit moving and it was incredible! Now we need to continue the momentum to bring change!”

Amanda Gonnella, All Saints Anglican

“I loved hearing the Black church profess Christ in the midst of so much persecution and recent murders of black people by cops.”

Natasha Cassamajor, Church of the Cross

“It gave me so much hope! If the church is actively dismantling racism we are moving in God’s direction and cannot fail.”

Anonymous

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In response to the recent murders of our Black brothers and sisters, including George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and many others, Christians in Boston are speaking out on the sin of racism that has plagued our city and nation. Here are a few perspectives on racial justice from Boston Church leaders:

– On the Murder of George Floyd & Riots: A Black Pastoral Defense of Justice, Law and the Boston Police Department (Rev. Eugene Rivers, The Ella J Baker House)

–Calling in White (Bill Mooney-McCoy, Director of Worship at Gordon College)

–Daily Examen for Living as an Antiracist Person (Co-authored by Vernée Peacock Wilkinson, a Black Spiritual Director and lay leader at Reservoir Church in Cambridge)

– Statement on the Killing of George Floyd (Cardinal Sean O’Malley)

– Speaking Out For Racial Justice? 4 Suggestions for Getting Started (Josh Wilson from The Table)

– “Our Siblings’ Blood is Crying Out:” A Call to Listen & Action (Rev. Laura Everett & Rev. Jennie Barrett Siegel from the Massachusetts Council of Churches)

–“The Narrow Way of Racial Justice” (Lexi Carver, Church of the Cross)

– A Panel Conversation on Racial Justice (North Shore Gospel Partnership)

– American Revolution to Officially End Sanctioned Racism (Torli Krua, Universal Human Rights International)

–Dear White Christians… (Megan Lietz, Director of the Race & Christian Community Initiative at the Emmanuel Gospel Center)

Video Panel Discussions

As Christians grapple with the knowledge of how racial oppression and injustice has plagued our city, where do we go from here? Below is a listing of panel discussions by local Christian leaders that can inform us as we move forward.

Click on the images below to watch the videos on Youtube, and email us at info@uniteboston.com if you have ideas for how we can move forward in God’s vision for restoration together.

Note that this list is not meant to be comprehensive, and please email us at info@uniteboston.com if there are other perspectives we should share